Setting Boundaries: The Hidden Costs of Avoiding Conflict

Meta: Conflict can be a good thing. Here’s why setting boundaries can help you protect yourself, even if it means confronting others without confrontation. Keywords: setting boundaries, healthy boundaries

Your colleagues think you’re agreeable. Your friends and family know you’re always there for them. These things seem to make you appear selfless, encourage people to trust you, and earn you accolades. But in reality, you simply might not be skilled in setting boundaries.

Some people wear selflessness like a badge of honor, always taking care of others and putting their own needs and wants last. It’s a noble gesture, sure, but it can also take a serious toll on your physical, mental, and emotional health. Not being able to set boundaries can lead to taking on more than you can comfortably handle. It stretches you thin, robs you of your focus and peace of mind, and can cause you to second-guess yourself.

What’s more, it can also open the doors for others to take advantage of your kindness and willingness to help. Allowing this to happen can make you resent the people around you for depending on you so much.

Falling into this cycle is easy: getting yourself out of it, however, takes some practice and consistency.

The first step to regaining your sense of self is learning how to set healthy boundaries.

The High Costs of Setting Low Boundaries

By definition, setting boundaries refers to creating limits that decide how you let people treat you, the behaviors you accept, and what others can expect from you. This is why setting boundaries can look so different from person to person: we’re not all the same, nor are our expectations of the people around us the same.

Read more: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Not setting boundaries is not an option: without healthy boundaries, you’re letting others decide how you think, act, and feel, to a degree. Others will influence how you spend your time, money, and energy, often to the point where you’re unable to fulfill your own desires because you’re catering to their needs.

What’s more, not setting boundaries can also affect the people around you. For example, if you’re constantly allowing your boss to call you during non-business hours, you may be taking time and focus away from your spouse or children. Family dinners and outings may be constantly interrupted. Staying up late to work on a project shows that it’s okay to sacrifice your wellness. Kids learn by watching your behaviors, and you essentially pass on the same unhealthy behaviors to them.

You must be your own champion when it comes to setting boundaries in your life: no one else can do it for you. Setting boundaries allows you to restore your peace of mind and regain control of your emotions and decisions. It shows people that you respect yourself enough to protect your best interests and desires – and encourages them to do the same.

What Healthy Boundaries Look and Function Like

There’s no doubt that standing up for yourself comes with challenges, which is one reason why many people struggle to set healthy boundaries. They fear coming off as rude or mean. They don’t want to argue or have to defend their decisions.

Visit: Self-sabotage

However, while it seems counterintuitive, setting healthy boundaries can strengthen your relationships with others.

For example, a healthy boundary could be telling your boss to please not call you after work hours unless it is urgent. Tell them what you mean by urgent, as this can be subjective. Being specific leaves no room for miscommunication, plus it reinforces the need for a clear work/life balance. You’re showing them how you expect them to respect your time.

Boundaries aren’t always shared with others ahead of time. For example, if you’re having a conversation or disagreement with someone, you may tell the person you feel uncomfortable with their tone. You might ask them to lower their voice or you will leave. This type of boundary is a demonstration of how you expect others to treat you.

To be clear, neither of these instances are violent, threatening, or rude. They’re simply opportunities for you to establish your expectations. Think of these as gateways that allow good things to pass through and keep bad feelings, action, and behaviors out.

Effective boundaries must be followed by some sort of action for enforcement. In my Boundaries Crash Course, I teach participants how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict without confrontation, demonstrate good time management, and live out their own life expectations.

 

How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Stick to Them Setting healthy boundaries will vary from person to person. My free (and short) boundary guide on how to say “no” can provide additional insights. Also, these tips provide a good starting point:

Don’t Overpromise Be aware of your own limits and what you will and will not do. Overpromising can make you susceptible to going beyond your limits and fails to lend credibility to the boundaries you’ve set.

Share Your Boundaries

It isn’t fair to yourself or others to keep your boundaries bottled up. Sharing them with others is what gives them life. Otherwise, the people around you won’t realize when they’ve crossed the line. Normalize having conversations with others about your limits, feelings, and expectations. This can take some practice, but practice also means it gets easier.

Know It’s Never Too Late

Maybe the same person continues to borrow money and not pay it back. Or maybe the same person who continues to demand more from you, whether it’s your boss asking you to work late or a friend always needing you to babysit her children. Whatever the case, know that it’s never too late to establish healthy boundaries. Let them know how it’s affecting you and that you’re no longer able to give as much as you have in the past.

Don’t Fall Into a Guilt Trap

You should never feel guilty about putting your own needs first. We must each take care of ourselves before we are truly able to help others. Improving your own wellbeing allows you to be the best version of yourself and give back to others in a way that doesn’t sacrifice your own health.

What is a lack of setting boundaries costing you? Take my free 3-minute Quality of Life Cost Analysis to get a no-obligation breakdown of the things that are costing you your quality of life.