The Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Cheating in a Marriage or Committed Relationship

 

If I asked you to define an affair, what words would you use? For many, the term “affair” conjures up images of secret rendezvous and sexual encounters and, while those images can qualify as affair-worthy, there is another type of infidelity that is less familiar but equally destructive—emotional cheating.

 

Emotional cheating, while lacking the physical aspect of a sexual affair, is every bit as damaging to relationships. How do I know?

 

Because I have been betrayed by a spouse who was in engaging in an emotional affair…and I chose to engage in an emotional affair myself.

 

It’s a unique position in that I have both caused and been the recipient of deep pain due to an emotional affair. I was married for 14 years and, during that time, both my spouse and I engaged in emotional cheating. My experience as both a perpetrator and victim of such an affair was part of the impetus for writing my book, Dating Myself UNMASKED: A Guiding Light from Sexual Trauma to Self-Acceptance, as a guide to achieving personal forgiveness and healing, and to building a foundation upon which I could nurture a healthy partner relationship.

 

In his book, Torn Asunder, Pastor Dave Carder refers to the person who is cheating as the “Infidel”, the spouse or committed partner as the “Spouse”, and the third party as the “Partner”. I will use these terms in this recounting of my own experience with emotional cheating.

 

 I confronted my own emotional affair as the Infidel by seeking support from my pastor at the time. I confided in my pastor that I wanted to get out of my marriage. It was during this meeting that my pastor told me I was having an "emotional affair.”

 

Until that point, I thought an affair meant physically sleeping with another person. Although the term was new to me, the concept made sense as I felt guilty every time I interacted with my Partner. It wasn't until my husband confronted me that my affair ended. He told me he had confronted my Partner. I was embarrassed and eventually ended the relationship because I wanted my marriage to work. That was nearly 20 years ago. I also confronted my husband who was involved in multiple emotional affairs throughout our relationship. I am only certain of one relationship of his that turned into a sexual affair as well.

 

People often ask me if I ever had suspicions that an emotional affair was taking place and, the truth is, there were many. When victims of emotional betrayal say they had a “gut feeling” something was wrong, they aren’t lying. Your subconscious often picks up on small shifts in behavior that your conscious mind overlooks or reasons away. It is important to pay attention to changes in behavior.

 

Here is a list of behaviors that changed for me when I, at the age of 24, was in the role of Infidel:

 

1. I would hide my cell phone.

 

2. I regularly erased messages.

 

3. I kept a passcode on my phone.

 

4. I stayed up late at night after everyone was sleeping.

 

5. I woke up before everyone else did.

 

6. I made random trips to the store…even if I’d just gotten back from the store.

 

7. I became disinterested in sex with my spouse.

 

8. I made sure I never had a single hair out of place.

 

9. I bought new makeup.

 

10. I purchased new clothes.

 

11. I suddenly and unexpectedly began working more hours.

 

12. I would start random arguments.

 

13. I was overly loving toward the kids while showing outward disinterest in my spouse.

 

14. I no longer displayed annoyance with things that bothered me before the affair (e.g., if the house was dirty, I cleaned it without saying anything).

 

15. I spent money with no regard for our budget.

 

16. I rarely slept in our bed.

 

17. I no longer questioned my spouse if he was late.

 

18. I accepted invitations from people to do things that would get me out of the house.

 

19. I spent time in other areas of the home away from my spouse.

 

 

When the shoe was on the other foot and I found myself the victim of an emotional affair, I noticed the following characteristics about my ex-spouse:

 

1. He became easily irritated.

 

2. He came home late at night without explanation.

 

3. He would turn around and leave the house if I pressed him on why he came home late.

 

4. He slept on the couch or in our son's room.

 

5. Random numbers would show up on the caller ID for our house phone.

 

6. We would receive calls, but the caller would hang up when I answered.

 

7. He was overly friendly to a particular woman at social events.

 

8. A certain woman would show up at different social events.

 

9. He would talk about a certain woman frequently.

 

10. He would show concern for the well-being of a certain woman.

 

11. My in-laws would bring up a certain woman to me and my spouse frequently.

 

12. I saw my husband and a certain woman out in public without him telling me in advance.

 

13. I watched him give special attention to a certain woman customer at his job on more than one occasion.

 

14. He suddenly spent more time with his single friends who had multiple women in their lives.

 

15. He wouldn’t show up for work or would quit his job unexpectedly.

 

16. He was disinterested in sex.

 

17. He had plans whenever I tried to make plans.

 

 It’s strange to think that neither me or my ex were familiar with the concept of emotional cheating at the time, though I’m not sure knowing the term would have mattered to my ex…he didn’t seem to care. I tried to get us into both individual and marriage counseling—he would go for two or three sessions, then quit. Finally, after 14 years of marriage, I ended the relationship. That was seven years ago. It took time to heal from the remaining emotional wounds.

 

For a long time, I found it difficult to connect in a relationship. I had trust issues. Now as I date, I discuss these insecurities with potential suitors. I believe open communication is the best way to deal with conflict in a relationship and is critical to building a strong foundation. My current partner is aware of my past issues with infidelity, and we discuss insecurities daily. I believe that "raw" conversation with one another helps us to seek support within the relationship instead of outside of it.

 

I share my own journey with you because I want you know…

 

…there is healing.

 

 I consider my experience with emotional cheating as healing and view that season as a learning experience. I learned a lot about myself. I learned how I saw conflict being handled growing up, and I also realized that I was not entirely vulnerable in my marriage. I had to acknowledge that I was not fully committed to the relationship, even before I cheated emotionally. I always suspected that infidelity could be an issue in our relationship, but never shared that with my ex-husband. Instead, I contributed to the affairs because of my unwillingness to reveal my insecurities out of fear of rejection.

 

I believe both individuals contribute to things that happen in a relationship. Let me be clear—I am not saying I made him cheat or he made me cheat. What I am saying is that showing up without being fully committed to the relationship or without being completely vulnerable can contribute to the destruction of a relationship.

 

You may be wondering what happened with me and my Partner. The relationship has ended, but I don't "blame" anyone. Blaming people means you play the victim.

 

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I am not a victim.

 

I learned from that experience—more importantly, I learned more about myself. I learned that I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for far too long because I lacked self-worth at that time.

 

If you are struggling with emotional cheating, either as an Infidel or as a Spouse, know this—detaching from the “emotional cheating” relationship is important. I developed a webinar to teach you how to get over a breakup. Ending an affair is no different from ending a committed relationship. An individual must set boundaries with herself or himself to get over any relationship. You may watch my free webinar by clicking here. I think it will help.

 

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I hope, as you navigate the waters of emotional affairs and dissolving relationships, you will find the information in this article, my book, and my free webinar, will serve as a north star, guiding you toward a stronger version of yourself, capable of vulnerability and fully aware of your magnificent worth.